I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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