she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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