remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
