8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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