I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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