Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
