Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
