My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
