a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
