I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
