i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
