: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
