I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
