i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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