woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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