You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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