I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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