i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
