Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
