I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
