walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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