It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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