Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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