We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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