she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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