dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
