my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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