i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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