Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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