I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
