i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
