Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
