Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
