would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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