i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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