FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
