I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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