..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
