Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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