You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
