Old men and throwing up are my life now.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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