Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
