So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
