my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
