Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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