oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
