Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
