I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
