I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
