So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
