i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
