i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
