There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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