I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
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By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
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Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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