im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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