Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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