oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
