how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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