I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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